Over the past week, I’ve listed out an entire team of Pittsburgh Penguins players that the organization has recently traded for.

The 12 most recent forwards, six most recent defenseman, and two most recent goalies (who at any point in their career played in the NHL) came together to form a rag tag team. And now that the full roster is out, I decided to take things one step further.

I wanted to see how good, or bad, this team would be, and while pinpointing an exact record can only be left up to the readers, I did my best to compile a lot of other stats and information to make that guessing game easier.

I hate math with a burning passion, so a sizable amount of this project was not enjoyable for me. It took me back to the days of high school (and even college) classes when I blankly stared at numbers and prayed to god the teacher wouldn’t ask me what they meant.

Nevertheless, it was all worth it, because once I had all of the artificial stat lines, it was pretty fun to look at. And I suppose that’s where we should start.

Player Stats

This team features a wide variety of players in terms of the types of deals they were a part of, how long they were Penguins, and their performance level while in Pittsburgh.

However, one thing this team stunningly lacks is top-end talent. There are no true standout scorers or playmakers on this fake team with fake numbers, which leads to this version of the Penguins being one of the worst offensive teams in the league.

For the sake of argument, let’s assume each and every player on this team stays healthy all year. Of course, in hockey we know that’s never possible, but injuries are unpredictable and complicated, so for this experiment we’ll just disregard them.

With that in mind, every forward and defenseman is playing 82 games, so I had to find out how to find out what their performance over this hypothetical season would be.

Important note here: stat lines are created and based off of a player’s time with the Penguins or within the organization somehow (i.e., with their AHL affiliate).

There were several different circumstances to account for, so here’s a breakdown of each one: